Grateful

I was planning on going to bed early tonight, but my mind is racing and my heart is too full to be able to fall asleep. 

I miss my Scarlett so very much tonight. I wish I could be holding her close right now rocking her to sleep, but instead I can only hope that she is happy up in Heaven and being loved and watched over by all those she meets.

We are so very blessed to have family and friends in our lives who truly love and care about how Jon and I and the kids are doing. There isn't a day that goes by when I am not looked straight in the eye and asked how I'm doing and most of the time I really am doing okay- except if you could see me tonight, you'd think I wasn't... I just really miss my baby. And I know it is okay to cry my heart out, because I love my sweet baby and I just really really miss her, and I know I will for the rest of my life. 

Still, it is difficult trying to move forward. For so long, dozens of questions have been constantly on my mind about Scarlett's little life. "Did she feel how much we love her?" "Did she suffer?" "Did I comfort her enough?" "Did I spend as much time as I possibly could with her?" "Did she know I was her mother?" "Did she recognize Jon's kisses on her forehead and the kids hands when they'd touch her?"

A couple weeks ago, I had the opportunity to sing praises of Thanksgiving in a choir for our church. There was also a narrator quoting the prophets of our church about gratitude. And two quotes in particular struck me. I can't remember who it was that said it, but the quote says that 

we should be grateful for the children that enter into our families and 

a grateful heart is a happy heart. 

I know it is obvious that we should be grateful for the children that enter our families, but I needed to be grateful for everything this experience has taught me straight from the moment Scarlett was born to the moment she returned back to our Heavenly Father- no matter how difficult it was. My heart had been so downtrodden by losing her, but in that moment of hearing those words, I realized if I was ever going to get pass the worries and questions that constantly went through my mind, I was just going to have to be 

grateful. 

grateful that she was sent to our family
grateful that we got to spend two unforgettable months holding and kissing and adoring her
grateful that she was able to touch so many lives including my own
grateful for the skilled doctors and wonderful nurses at both Davis Hospital and Primary Childrens 
grateful for how close Heaven feels in my heart
 grateful for our Heavenly Father's plan- that it is real and it is for each of us
grateful for my Savior- that I can turn to Him in my sorrow and he will encircle me with His love and the Holy Ghost will fill my mind with the assurance that we will see Scarlett again- and she will be made whole 
grateful that I got to be an instrument in bringing her little body into this world
 grateful for a wonderful and strong husband who loves her so dearly as well 
and grateful for the children I still have on this Earth and that we can talk to them about Scarlett everyday and that she is still a big part of our family
grateful for trials
grateful for how perfect she was  

Now, when I start to feel sad, I try to remember to be grateful for her life and how much she has touched mine and I am reminded of how wonderful life is and how wonderful our Heavenly Father's plan is.

It is still hard for me to see pictures and videos of Scarlett, but I am so grateful I have them.

Here are a few pictures that were taken of Scarlett the day before she left this world. They were done by a wonderful photographer of NILMDTS.