time to think

I remember people telling me before Scarlett's funeral that the sadness and loss of her passing on wouldn't quite hit until after the funeral was over and when my life tried to grab hold onto what it once knew. I have definitely felt that. The past week and a half has been so up and down for me, but when I'm up, it feels wonderful to laugh and sing and smile and when I'm down it feels good to cry and doubt and pray for strength. It feels good to express exactly how I feel in the exact moment I'm feeling it.

I've had a lot of time to think about Scarlett these past couple weeks and the lasting effect she has had on my life. I wonder quite often if she knows how much we love and miss her. I do so much that my heart literally aches, but I am also so thankful to know that she is forever ours. 

I often wonder what Heaven must be like. Is it as beautiful as the ocean and as magical as a meadow? Is it pure white everywhere you turn or is it full of colors you've never seen before?

Everyday I think about the moment when Scarlett passed away in my arms. So closely I held her tiny broken body, but I knew her spirit was gone and had returned back to our Heavenly Father. I try to picture Scarlett entering Heaven with Heavenly Father standing at the gateway welcoming her in his strong and gentle arms and then having our Savior wrap his arms around her as well welcoming her home. I try to imagine who in my family would be first to welcome her home. My grandmas come first to mind. I can imagine my Grandma Packer giving her big hugs and kisses like she did to me when I was little and I can picture my Grandma Holmgren giving her big hugs and telling her how beautiful she is, like she did to me when she was still alive. Those are happy thoughts and ones I want to hang onto. They help me know that Scarlett is safe and happy and loved there.

I've been thinking about hope lately. Before Scarlett was born, I hoped that I would deliver a healthy baby and when Scarlett came out not breathing very well, I hoped she would stay alive. Days later, after seeing all her symptoms, I hoped she wouldn't have a physical or mental handicap. And then days after that learning she would most likely have something that would make her both physically and mentally handicapped, I hoped that I would have the strength and knowledge to care for a special needs child. I was anxious and afraid to know her diagnosis, but mostly I just wanted her to have something that she could be with us for a long time. Then when we learned that she had Pontocerebellar Hypoplasia, my hope was shattered, yet magically that hope changed into something better. It changed into a sure knowledge. I didn't just hope to see Scarlett again when she died, I knew I would and I knew that Scarlett would be ressurected into a perfect body and I knew that our Heavenly Father was going to watch over her until we could be there to hold her again.

I still cry everyday for my sweet Scarlett, usually after the day is gone and when the night is quite. I miss the drives up to Primary Children's Medical Center and walking into the NICU to see her lying still in her crib- so meek and so patient. I miss running my fingers through her soft curls and changing her diaper and dressing her in the morning and putting her pj's on at night. But mostly, I miss her gentle brown eyes. I loved her eyes. 

The first couple of days after her funeral, I agonized over whether or not we made the right decision to let her go and I hated that we we even had to make that decision. I wished that Scarlett was still with us, but just getting better instead of getting worse. But I knew that wasn't what Heavenly Father wanted for her and I knew that it wasn't the right decision to allow her to continue to deteriorate. We knew that if we loved Scarlett, we would have to trust that letting her go was God's will and that we would see her again. And those words really are music to my ears- we will see her again. A great blessing from this whole experience is that I no longer fear death. I don't really welcome it either, but I have seen it and it is peaceful and it is wonderful. Death is only "the comma and not the period " as President Boyd K. Packer quotes. We will see Scarlett again.

My thought are pretty scattered today, but one last thing I feel so grateful for are the tender mercies of God. I felt like women's conference this past Saturday was meant just for me. Every single talk was just what I needed to hear for this exact trial in my life and same for the RS lesson in church yesterday. I know the Lord loves me and my family. I feel his love encircling us like a warm blanket. I am so thankful for the selfless service and generosity of our family and friends and neighbors  Just last night someone door bell ditched a very large amount of money. Thank you to whoever that was and to everyone else that has given us money, treats, service, and have cried with us and prayed for us. We feel so very blessed and have never felt like no one cares about our sorrows. The scripture "mourn with those that mourn" comes to my mind. What wonderful people you all are and how very blessed we feel!